Thank you for speaking more truth in this post, it reminds me of your post about ‘marrying rich’, with so many women held up as role ideal for ‘having it all’ yet covering the truth about the team of help they actually have that enables them to give the appearance of ‘having it all’. The high power mothers with help and lie about it are part of the ‘work/life balance’ lie that is being perpetuated. Reading the link about Ruth Porat was eye opening and it makes me wonder why she bothered to have children at all.
As a woman who has struggled financially I made a conscious decision to be child-free but I’ve kept that to myself because society doesn’t like women who CHOOSE TO BE CHILDFREE, yet they applaud high powered women who are masquerading as mothers who don’t spend much time with their children.
I’m curious to see the responses at LinkedIn, I bet it really is quite the sociology experiment!
Thank you again for pointing out the truths and hypocrisy of ‘powerful women’ 👍🏼🙏🏼💪🏼
I’m so happy to be receiving your articles again. I think “having it all” is a fallacy. Someone suffers - most likely the children or the marriages. I may not be your typical reader because I never had any big aspirations except being a wife and mom. I did get a degree but it was rather useless. We home educated 3 children who are all successful young adults. It was not without its trials but we are seeing the fruits of it years later. And that’s the advice I give people who are ready to throw it away - life can be very different in a year.
It’s interesting to see what choices other women make and the outcomes of those choices. Martha Stewart once said she regretted not having a son. There is such a small window to have children. I remember a post you wrote several years ago which was such wise advice I shared with my youngest, a daughter. To try and be married by 27. Her wedding is in a few weeks and she’s 26.
I was really surprised by the high percentage of women who did not have kids. I think women who do well at work early on benefit more than most women from not having kids. It's just a hunch.
Probably quite true! It took a while for me to find my niche in IT. I doubt that if I had had kids, I ever would have. I never felt like I had the energy level nor the patience that raising kids requires. I need my sleep! I would have been a loving but possibly negligent mom. Having lived through very negligent parents, I felt no kid deserves that.
To be clear, the women who were able to marry stay-at-home spouses were making a ton of money before they got married. Not many of us could be making that much money by the time we needed to have kids.
Why don’t you think it’s a goal? If I were starting now that would be my goal. A stay at home mom with a spouse who makes good money means you can have side projects for fun.
I think that's true of everyone, no matter which route we choose. The important thing is recognizing that there isn't any route where someone loves every day.
Penelope I don’t have kids. But I was a kid. As kid of a single parent, I can look back and say it is rough on both parties. It feels though, that you are demonizing the women who prioritized their own lives and careers, even when, most probably they thought they were making their own lives better and for the good of the family.
Mother Meera said that it was good to have children because it teaches you to be unselfish. Today I think many choose to be childless, not only to escape financial burdens but emotional ones. Khalil Gibran wrote;“ that children are of you, but belong not to you“,which is helpful to remember , when they grow up and move as far away as possible and barely call. Some kids are like that. They love you, respect you, as adults , but don’t feel a kinship.That happens too. It would be nice to have more options as mothers, to not be dependent on a man or a system, when you find out you made a bad choice. The tone of this though, smacks a little bit to me of religiousity. And unfortunately, to my mind, the way MEN think about it in the Arab world. Women belong at home with the children. It is their sole job in life, period. I think it’s way more complicated and I salute and support women who try to realize their dreams. I think every mother feels a failure when her kid suffers. But the kid has his own warp and woof. He must be responsible for his own choices- long before college age. We infantalize our children when we excessively blame ourselves. In Native American cultures, boys and girls became men and women at the ages of sixteen. They were taught the life skills needed to sustain the tribe.And yes they each had prescribed roles. I am guessing there was zero room for transgendered idealism. Hah! What happened when the women wanted to hunt with the men? Mmm ..have to Google that! Viva la mom’s!!! You, included Penelope!!! Dads too!!! Thank you sincerely for having and raising children.
I appreciate that this post relates mostly to American women (or generally women in Anglophile countries). I am Asian, live in an Asian country next door to my retired, it physically robust, parents. Their hands-on childcare especially in the early days enabled both my husband and me to focus on and ramp up our careers in our late 20s and 30s. Now the kids are teenagers, whose needs expanded beyond basic physical and mental health, I’m able to scale back from work more comfortably given my professional status, and dedicate more time to teenager-care. I think having this level of social fabric is a better scenario than any of the four that you identified. It’s closest to having a stay at home husband, but many educated and ambitious women I know can’t stomach one.
Just to add - because of the work I put in during the crucial decade of my career (30-40), and the fact that I’m keeping one foot in the door professionally now, once my kids are in college, it will be much easier (no guarantees I know) for me to fully step back in. Some “wasted” (career-wise) years, sure, but given the increasing longevity, hopefully still many more years to come.
Thank you for speaking more truth in this post, it reminds me of your post about ‘marrying rich’, with so many women held up as role ideal for ‘having it all’ yet covering the truth about the team of help they actually have that enables them to give the appearance of ‘having it all’. The high power mothers with help and lie about it are part of the ‘work/life balance’ lie that is being perpetuated. Reading the link about Ruth Porat was eye opening and it makes me wonder why she bothered to have children at all.
As a woman who has struggled financially I made a conscious decision to be child-free but I’ve kept that to myself because society doesn’t like women who CHOOSE TO BE CHILDFREE, yet they applaud high powered women who are masquerading as mothers who don’t spend much time with their children.
I’m curious to see the responses at LinkedIn, I bet it really is quite the sociology experiment!
Thank you again for pointing out the truths and hypocrisy of ‘powerful women’ 👍🏼🙏🏼💪🏼
Brilliant and insightful thank you!
I’m so happy to be receiving your articles again. I think “having it all” is a fallacy. Someone suffers - most likely the children or the marriages. I may not be your typical reader because I never had any big aspirations except being a wife and mom. I did get a degree but it was rather useless. We home educated 3 children who are all successful young adults. It was not without its trials but we are seeing the fruits of it years later. And that’s the advice I give people who are ready to throw it away - life can be very different in a year.
It’s interesting to see what choices other women make and the outcomes of those choices. Martha Stewart once said she regretted not having a son. There is such a small window to have children. I remember a post you wrote several years ago which was such wise advice I shared with my youngest, a daughter. To try and be married by 27. Her wedding is in a few weeks and she’s 26.
Keep up the good work.
Great article! So true! I had no kids and am really glad that it just never happened in either marriage. Husband and I are the cool aunt and uncle.
I was really surprised by the high percentage of women who did not have kids. I think women who do well at work early on benefit more than most women from not having kids. It's just a hunch.
Probably quite true! It took a while for me to find my niche in IT. I doubt that if I had had kids, I ever would have. I never felt like I had the energy level nor the patience that raising kids requires. I need my sleep! I would have been a loving but possibly negligent mom. Having lived through very negligent parents, I felt no kid deserves that.
I hope you'll share this on LinkedIn. Radical honesty is so refreshing there.
I did publish it on Linkedin. There's always a different reaction there than on Substack. It's like a sociological experiment.
Goodness, the things I could accomplish with a stay-at-home husband.......
To be clear, the women who were able to marry stay-at-home spouses were making a ton of money before they got married. Not many of us could be making that much money by the time we needed to have kids.
Yeah, and I'm the idiot who thought stay-at-home mommyhood was my ultimate goal.
Why don’t you think it’s a goal? If I were starting now that would be my goal. A stay at home mom with a spouse who makes good money means you can have side projects for fun.
The husband would have to have basic human decency rather than abuse us.
fascinating, I'm living SAHM real-time and everyday feels different - some days I love it, others I'm disappointed with myself.
I think that's true of everyone, no matter which route we choose. The important thing is recognizing that there isn't any route where someone loves every day.
Penelope I don’t have kids. But I was a kid. As kid of a single parent, I can look back and say it is rough on both parties. It feels though, that you are demonizing the women who prioritized their own lives and careers, even when, most probably they thought they were making their own lives better and for the good of the family.
Mother Meera said that it was good to have children because it teaches you to be unselfish. Today I think many choose to be childless, not only to escape financial burdens but emotional ones. Khalil Gibran wrote;“ that children are of you, but belong not to you“,which is helpful to remember , when they grow up and move as far away as possible and barely call. Some kids are like that. They love you, respect you, as adults , but don’t feel a kinship.That happens too. It would be nice to have more options as mothers, to not be dependent on a man or a system, when you find out you made a bad choice. The tone of this though, smacks a little bit to me of religiousity. And unfortunately, to my mind, the way MEN think about it in the Arab world. Women belong at home with the children. It is their sole job in life, period. I think it’s way more complicated and I salute and support women who try to realize their dreams. I think every mother feels a failure when her kid suffers. But the kid has his own warp and woof. He must be responsible for his own choices- long before college age. We infantalize our children when we excessively blame ourselves. In Native American cultures, boys and girls became men and women at the ages of sixteen. They were taught the life skills needed to sustain the tribe.And yes they each had prescribed roles. I am guessing there was zero room for transgendered idealism. Hah! What happened when the women wanted to hunt with the men? Mmm ..have to Google that! Viva la mom’s!!! You, included Penelope!!! Dads too!!! Thank you sincerely for having and raising children.
FYI Gina Binachini has run a SAAS for ~10 years. I don’t believe she does significant investing.
Oh. You're right. Thanks. I change it.
I appreciate that this post relates mostly to American women (or generally women in Anglophile countries). I am Asian, live in an Asian country next door to my retired, it physically robust, parents. Their hands-on childcare especially in the early days enabled both my husband and me to focus on and ramp up our careers in our late 20s and 30s. Now the kids are teenagers, whose needs expanded beyond basic physical and mental health, I’m able to scale back from work more comfortably given my professional status, and dedicate more time to teenager-care. I think having this level of social fabric is a better scenario than any of the four that you identified. It’s closest to having a stay at home husband, but many educated and ambitious women I know can’t stomach one.
Just to add - because of the work I put in during the crucial decade of my career (30-40), and the fact that I’m keeping one foot in the door professionally now, once my kids are in college, it will be much easier (no guarantees I know) for me to fully step back in. Some “wasted” (career-wise) years, sure, but given the increasing longevity, hopefully still many more years to come.