amazing article! in a world where parenting is considered an inconvenience while fame and power are held above moral standards, your take sheds light on what ails our society today, whether there in the US or here in Asia. sadly abused children grow up to become victims until their adulthood, and it will take a lifetime to undo the damage. this is a call to action for every parent to be accountable and protect their child from predators within and outside their circle. thanks for this penelope 😍
I appreciate the article and was really enjoying it til the end, why did you focus the responsibility of good parenting solely on mothers? If a child is raised in an environment where the men have the power over money, women, children - then how much can a mother do to counter this? Then power over, becomes a male attribute and subjugation a woman’s. To be a man becomes to be in control.
And family courts and religions uphold this! Children’s wellbeing is all of our responsibility. My own children were only spared such domination because my country did sign up to the Convention on the Rights of the Child, unlike the USA.
It’s so unsafe for a woman to leave an abusive man, it’s when she’s most likely to be killed. And family courts often force mothers to facilitate child contact even when their ex-partners have criminal records for physical and/or sexual assault against them. How can such a man be a good influence on a child, when he has attacked their foundation so?
So I’m a bit uneasy that the blame ends with mothers for the Diddy’s and Cassie’s of the world. The femicide stats are serious. The cost of non-compliance is steep. Why aren’t we asking why Diddy’s father modelled domination or Cassie’s father failed her?
As a woman who did leave and did stand up to abuse and protect my children - I can attest to how difficult it is to get free, much of my life I had before is in tatters and I had to start completely from scratch - and like many who do leave and report, I was abandoned by family as well as friends in the process. And no, he wasn’t brought to justice.
Male domination is knitted into the fabric of our society, Abrahamic religions have been telling us for millennia that man has a god given right to rule over woman and our rights to bodily autonomy and freedom from abuse are always under threat. This isn’t a simple fix, and just blaming the mother is wrong and further empowers male perpetrators.
Thank you for sharing your story; it is complex to leave when leaving is so dangerous. I do think your story helps clarify my original point: Given that your family didn’t help you escape, it’s not difficult to believe that you had a childhood that prepared you to date/marry an abuser. It starts early.
I only wrote about what is publicly available about the parents. From what I wrote I am certain the fathers failed as parents as well.
This article is having an enormous impact on me in a good way. A very helpful way. And I have to acknowledge that Cassie’s mom and Diddy’s mom also were children likely shown the same kind of neglect by their parents. Intergenerational transmission of the cycle. How can we interrupt this, hold parents accountable while also offering healing for their own tragic set up to perpetrate the next generation?
I'm happy that it had positive impact on you. I think the only way to change is for us to lead by example - holding ourselves accountable. Which would mean admitting that we did not have good parenting and we are affected now, in a struggle to break the cycle.
Cassie and Diddy are not unique in their inability to call out their parents or themselves as parents. When I did research at Harvard about parenting skills I was surrounded by dual-career parents who had kids asking to go to boarding school because no one was paying attention at home. This was normal.
No one would ever call out that parenting because it's HARVARD. So I'm doing it. Now. Terrible parenting is everywhere that high achievement is. Let's start by admitting that. Because focusing more on achievement than connection is generational trauma.
I appreciate the article and was really enjoying it til the end, why did you focus the responsibility of good parenting solely on mothers? If a child is raised in an environment where the men have the power over money, women, children - then how much can a mother do to counter this? Then power over, becomes a male attribute and subjugation a woman’s. To be a man becomes to be in control.
And family courts and religions uphold this! Children’s wellbeing is all of our responsibility. My own children were only spared such domination because my country did sign up to the Convention on the Rights of the Child, unlike the USA.
I focused on the moms in part because both Diddy and Cassie are publicly effusive about their love for their mothers. To me this shows how deeply messed up insecure attachment is. A child has to convince themselves whatever their parent is doing = love. It’s survival instinct. But after doing that for years, by the time that kid is an adult they can’t stop thinking their parent’s actions = love. So both Diddy and Cassie double down in public about their mothers’ love.
To your point, a great step in the US would be to give children rights.
This article is so spot on, so clear, so to-the-point....So many times, over and over, I have seen cases or situations and thought exactly the same and yet it's incredible how the world just doesnt take notice. When my son was born, in the hospital, in the same ward, a drug addict had a baby. I saw her tiny silent baby in his little crib and my heart broke for him. I thought everyone will have sympathy until maybe he's 15 or 16. Then he'll be "some scumbag who stole a car", "some punk who did a break-in"...arrested...jailed...where he'll learn worse crimes. All because as a society we don't want to stand up and say to that woman "I am really sorry, I know you no doubt learned your addiction as a child, but we need to break this pattern, you can not look after this baby". Instead we wring our hands, ignore, turn away....then blame.
Thanks for a great article.! To be honest it doesn’t sound like ‘you’. It has a different flavour and vibe & different writing style, from my point of view anyway. Regardless it’s a great article and I agree.
But we DO need to aim to rely on the ‘justice’ system to do its job, because globally so many parent’s have poor parenting due to being maladaptive themselves. And until we stop seeing children as property, then this will continue to happen in the family & behind close doors. 🚪 No amount of social work & interventions will change some families. It’s deep, complex work that takes many years. And damaged people don’t stop having children!
I only wish more parents were held accountable for things other than very obvious abuse.
Because of all these conflict issues we still need to try and aim to partly rely on the justice system .
I love the line "damaged people don't stop having children." So well said. I have this grand hope that if we talk about parenting and how difficult it is, and how many of us really need help then it'll be normal to get help.
There's a really good link tucked away in the piece, in the first paragraph, from the Atlantic about ethical parenting. How one of the reasons parenting is such a difficult/unappreciated job is that we have no standards for what a good job is. But we could have standards. I think that's where we would have to start to finally get some of the legal changes you're talking about.
I was thinking same. Nonetheless a powerful commentary and one that must be shared with our sisters and daughters. This is not something that happens only in Hollywood folks. It’s Main Street America. Be Vigilant!!
The clearest description of the situation I’ve read
That makes me so happy to hear. I have been thinking about this for weeks.
amazing article! in a world where parenting is considered an inconvenience while fame and power are held above moral standards, your take sheds light on what ails our society today, whether there in the US or here in Asia. sadly abused children grow up to become victims until their adulthood, and it will take a lifetime to undo the damage. this is a call to action for every parent to be accountable and protect their child from predators within and outside their circle. thanks for this penelope 😍
Best and clearest writing I've seen this year. About ANYTHING. By ANYBODY.
Amazing.
I appreciate the article and was really enjoying it til the end, why did you focus the responsibility of good parenting solely on mothers? If a child is raised in an environment where the men have the power over money, women, children - then how much can a mother do to counter this? Then power over, becomes a male attribute and subjugation a woman’s. To be a man becomes to be in control.
And family courts and religions uphold this! Children’s wellbeing is all of our responsibility. My own children were only spared such domination because my country did sign up to the Convention on the Rights of the Child, unlike the USA.
I agree. Where are the men/fathers in general held accountable for their part in this cycle?
It’s so unsafe for a woman to leave an abusive man, it’s when she’s most likely to be killed. And family courts often force mothers to facilitate child contact even when their ex-partners have criminal records for physical and/or sexual assault against them. How can such a man be a good influence on a child, when he has attacked their foundation so?
So I’m a bit uneasy that the blame ends with mothers for the Diddy’s and Cassie’s of the world. The femicide stats are serious. The cost of non-compliance is steep. Why aren’t we asking why Diddy’s father modelled domination or Cassie’s father failed her?
As a woman who did leave and did stand up to abuse and protect my children - I can attest to how difficult it is to get free, much of my life I had before is in tatters and I had to start completely from scratch - and like many who do leave and report, I was abandoned by family as well as friends in the process. And no, he wasn’t brought to justice.
Male domination is knitted into the fabric of our society, Abrahamic religions have been telling us for millennia that man has a god given right to rule over woman and our rights to bodily autonomy and freedom from abuse are always under threat. This isn’t a simple fix, and just blaming the mother is wrong and further empowers male perpetrators.
Thank you for sharing your story; it is complex to leave when leaving is so dangerous. I do think your story helps clarify my original point: Given that your family didn’t help you escape, it’s not difficult to believe that you had a childhood that prepared you to date/marry an abuser. It starts early.
I only wrote about what is publicly available about the parents. From what I wrote I am certain the fathers failed as parents as well.
This article is having an enormous impact on me in a good way. A very helpful way. And I have to acknowledge that Cassie’s mom and Diddy’s mom also were children likely shown the same kind of neglect by their parents. Intergenerational transmission of the cycle. How can we interrupt this, hold parents accountable while also offering healing for their own tragic set up to perpetrate the next generation?
I'm happy that it had positive impact on you. I think the only way to change is for us to lead by example - holding ourselves accountable. Which would mean admitting that we did not have good parenting and we are affected now, in a struggle to break the cycle.
Cassie and Diddy are not unique in their inability to call out their parents or themselves as parents. When I did research at Harvard about parenting skills I was surrounded by dual-career parents who had kids asking to go to boarding school because no one was paying attention at home. This was normal.
No one would ever call out that parenting because it's HARVARD. So I'm doing it. Now. Terrible parenting is everywhere that high achievement is. Let's start by admitting that. Because focusing more on achievement than connection is generational trauma.
Clear writing thank u
I appreciate the article and was really enjoying it til the end, why did you focus the responsibility of good parenting solely on mothers? If a child is raised in an environment where the men have the power over money, women, children - then how much can a mother do to counter this? Then power over, becomes a male attribute and subjugation a woman’s. To be a man becomes to be in control.
And family courts and religions uphold this! Children’s wellbeing is all of our responsibility. My own children were only spared such domination because my country did sign up to the Convention on the Rights of the Child, unlike the USA.
I focused on the moms in part because both Diddy and Cassie are publicly effusive about their love for their mothers. To me this shows how deeply messed up insecure attachment is. A child has to convince themselves whatever their parent is doing = love. It’s survival instinct. But after doing that for years, by the time that kid is an adult they can’t stop thinking their parent’s actions = love. So both Diddy and Cassie double down in public about their mothers’ love.
To your point, a great step in the US would be to give children rights.
This article is so spot on, so clear, so to-the-point....So many times, over and over, I have seen cases or situations and thought exactly the same and yet it's incredible how the world just doesnt take notice. When my son was born, in the hospital, in the same ward, a drug addict had a baby. I saw her tiny silent baby in his little crib and my heart broke for him. I thought everyone will have sympathy until maybe he's 15 or 16. Then he'll be "some scumbag who stole a car", "some punk who did a break-in"...arrested...jailed...where he'll learn worse crimes. All because as a society we don't want to stand up and say to that woman "I am really sorry, I know you no doubt learned your addiction as a child, but we need to break this pattern, you can not look after this baby". Instead we wring our hands, ignore, turn away....then blame.
Thanks for a great article.! To be honest it doesn’t sound like ‘you’. It has a different flavour and vibe & different writing style, from my point of view anyway. Regardless it’s a great article and I agree.
But we DO need to aim to rely on the ‘justice’ system to do its job, because globally so many parent’s have poor parenting due to being maladaptive themselves. And until we stop seeing children as property, then this will continue to happen in the family & behind close doors. 🚪 No amount of social work & interventions will change some families. It’s deep, complex work that takes many years. And damaged people don’t stop having children!
I only wish more parents were held accountable for things other than very obvious abuse.
Because of all these conflict issues we still need to try and aim to partly rely on the justice system .
I love the line "damaged people don't stop having children." So well said. I have this grand hope that if we talk about parenting and how difficult it is, and how many of us really need help then it'll be normal to get help.
There's a really good link tucked away in the piece, in the first paragraph, from the Atlantic about ethical parenting. How one of the reasons parenting is such a difficult/unappreciated job is that we have no standards for what a good job is. But we could have standards. I think that's where we would have to start to finally get some of the legal changes you're talking about.
I was thinking same. Nonetheless a powerful commentary and one that must be shared with our sisters and daughters. This is not something that happens only in Hollywood folks. It’s Main Street America. Be Vigilant!!