Penelope, I read the comments on your old posts about the abuse, and I am sickened by them. It is hard to believe anyone is that horrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that, both the physical abuse and the online abuse.
I think it is normal for kids to want to take care of their moms. Especially boys of single moms. Please don't beat yourself up about that - it means you did a good job and raised good kids.
I find it so strange that when I read about the domestic violence with the farmer, I was like wait, what? Then I clicked the links and I remembered the pictures. I remembered your step mother telling you to leave and your dad coming. I do remember thinking no fuck don’t let your dad come. But I did not remember your descriptions of the violence. I too was sickened by the comments. I was wondering, did you write a post about the reality of your life with the farmer and then write 5 or more posts about your flower garden-which was amazing and beautiful pictures of your home aesthetic and bucolic pictures of the farm and driving hours for your sons cello lessons? Pretty sure you said many times you were staying for the kids. I would have said something like you should leave but I know you won’t . Not “you won’t” no one I have said that to and spent hours and years talking to does until, they do. And sometimes saying that to a victim only makes them feel more powerless. The final salvo my abusive boyfriend delivered was that he was leaving me because when he verbally abused the woman he was courting behind my back, she said he was an asshole and walked out on him. He was attracted to her because she stood up for herself and I just took it. Priceless. I agree with your assessment of the legal system and it is by design. I am also convinced most people just think it should be easy to leave your abuser. I think what you were telling your dad was people will think less of me if they knew, in turn I will lose credibility and consequentially readership/paid subscribers. Sadly, most likely, you are right once again.
This sentence is so haunting. “But here's the truth: Women have rights only when someone can profit from defending them.” I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re doing a great job.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I see the same thing where I live in Australia. Its not a justice system it's a legal system. And it works by design because it was built by English colonisers to protect property. When they built it women and children were property of white men. So even though legally they aren't any more there's so much culturally and the way the legal system works that's related to the original purpose. It's needs to be totally rebuilt with justice at the centre.
I was thiniking about that while I was writing the post. It's so ironic that even though our society would never actaully say we think of a person as property, the way courts treat domestic violence has the effect treating the victim like property. I felt like that was a whole other post -- a book! So I left it out. I'm glad you brought the topic up.
This is perhaps one of the best things I have ever been fortunate to come across and read as regards the injustice of trying to get help, etc for domestic abuse. It may also be one of the best things you have ever written. I can only imagine the courage it takes emotionally to write with such honesty. This level of honesty incurs huge vulnerability.
I am sorry that you and so many other women in different social and financial circumstances have had to experience this. Worse, there is no justice and no system to secure it. It is beyond reprehensible that the victims are treated with no regard for what they have gone through, are going through...and no real understanding of the true costs of "standing up" to such abuse.
Long ago, I knew a woman who worked to help abused women and she shared the stories of how so many went back or never left. At the time I didn't understand, but as she explained to me, in similar words to what you wrote but nowhere near as in depth as to the true cost of trying to get what is yours in these situations, it is a far more complex situation that involves many different aspects (lifestyle, finances, physical and mental health, few if any options). It helped me to better grasp the true cost that went far beyond the obvious. And it made me aware of how little support society gives to such women. I remember thinking, and saying, if I were in that situation I'd rather be homeless on the streets. As my friend pointed out, that's easy to say but not easy to do when you have children involved in particular.
We could do all kinds of analysis and judging of others but we are not in another's shoes and we need to give women more support and real options to pursue legal action where necessary. You'd think the number of women murdered (and children, too) by male abusers in this country would have prompted some necessary changes.
Again, thank you for sharing this and I hope many people read it because the likelihood that each of us may have at least one, if not more, women in our circle who are living with abuse and feeling trapped and unsupported. (We would be amazed to find out who those women are as many do a great deal to hide it and many are with very accomplished, successful and seemingly good men who are anything but."
Who knows how many women will read this and recognize themselves and hopefully have a better understanding of what is facing as they make decisions. Honestly, I totally now understand your POV on all of this but still wish there had been some way to seriously screw this bastard who hurt you and your family. Money is not everything, but for horrible abusers, being made to pay is the only way to even get them to hurt a little. (The fact that so many male abusers are never charged let alone convicted of physical abuse, which is something that can be proved unlike emotional abuse and other forms).
Life sucks and this is one major example. But speaking out as you did? This is what is needed to get people to look and learn and say: WTF! THIS IS WRONG. HOW CAN WE CREATE LAWS TO SUPPORT WOMEN?
Penny, there is an essential theme that runs through this post. This basic truth is that strength only respects strength, and that weakness is an embarrassing inconvenience to a society where some would have us believe all social problems have been solved. The unspoken truth is if you are unable to fight your own battles you do not deserve good things. Good things being safety, fulfillment and any chance at a relatively happy life. Your only "fault" was in being a vulnerable female with children. You were kind, trusting and sought the best outcome in your situation. In contrast your abuser exercised power and saw nothing wrong with abusing that power. Keep on being you, and use your talent to throw light on Injustice. Much respect to you and your efforts going forward. Remember you have an army of supporters.
Thank you for writing this. I'm currently in the proces of divorce with my abusive ex. He just stopped cooperating in meditation. And I notice it, that i'm an inconvience, someone who even a mediator looks down upon. While she defends his rights, even when he stopped cooperating. It is a staggering observation. Thank you for your analyses, this information helps me to understand my current situation. Take care! Hanne
Perfectly said. If women were doing the abusing (as Hollywood loves to pretend) and men were the victims, the system would be designed so differently. Knee-jerk "safety measures" like restraining orders and shelters not only leave our property and pets vulnerable, but ruin us financially. I've known women who were fired from jobs because their stalker ex kept showing up, or they couldn't come to work because they were in hiding from him. It just doesn't get better.
That's so true. Though I also think that men who are abused don't talk about it. Maybe they are even more living in shadows than women being abused. I hear over and over again about the sense of lost masculinity. Which I'll admit I don't quite understand. Though I think it might be similar to the sense of being a terrible mother from exposing the kids to violence. Not that I'm saying this is right, but there is a sense of permanent loss-- something that can't be recovered.
I'm really glad you are writing regularly again. I'm an OG - back when u blogged about work. I remember your posts about the abuse you endured and I am so sorry. I wish you well - you continue to inspire me.
Thanks, Jill. Also, I learn so much about myself self from comments. Like, I tell myself I'm still writing about work. I guess I'm not. I am not actually sure what I'm writing about. I have enormous gratitude that people still read while I'm figuring it out.
Penelope, I read the comments on your old posts about the abuse, and I am sickened by them. It is hard to believe anyone is that horrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that, both the physical abuse and the online abuse.
I think it is normal for kids to want to take care of their moms. Especially boys of single moms. Please don't beat yourself up about that - it means you did a good job and raised good kids.
I find it so strange that when I read about the domestic violence with the farmer, I was like wait, what? Then I clicked the links and I remembered the pictures. I remembered your step mother telling you to leave and your dad coming. I do remember thinking no fuck don’t let your dad come. But I did not remember your descriptions of the violence. I too was sickened by the comments. I was wondering, did you write a post about the reality of your life with the farmer and then write 5 or more posts about your flower garden-which was amazing and beautiful pictures of your home aesthetic and bucolic pictures of the farm and driving hours for your sons cello lessons? Pretty sure you said many times you were staying for the kids. I would have said something like you should leave but I know you won’t . Not “you won’t” no one I have said that to and spent hours and years talking to does until, they do. And sometimes saying that to a victim only makes them feel more powerless. The final salvo my abusive boyfriend delivered was that he was leaving me because when he verbally abused the woman he was courting behind my back, she said he was an asshole and walked out on him. He was attracted to her because she stood up for herself and I just took it. Priceless. I agree with your assessment of the legal system and it is by design. I am also convinced most people just think it should be easy to leave your abuser. I think what you were telling your dad was people will think less of me if they knew, in turn I will lose credibility and consequentially readership/paid subscribers. Sadly, most likely, you are right once again.
I’m so sorry Penelope. You and I are in the same club. I’m a “battered wife” from the 70s and I am so saddened at how little things have changed.
Thank you for writing this so succinctly. Know that you are far from alone. My hope is that this piece is published for a far broader audience.
It is time.
This sentence is so haunting. “But here's the truth: Women have rights only when someone can profit from defending them.” I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re doing a great job.
I’m so sorry. I agree with what someone said about raising amazing boys who care about their mom. I bet they love you so much.
This is so validating. 💔
💙
I'm so sorry you went through that. I see the same thing where I live in Australia. Its not a justice system it's a legal system. And it works by design because it was built by English colonisers to protect property. When they built it women and children were property of white men. So even though legally they aren't any more there's so much culturally and the way the legal system works that's related to the original purpose. It's needs to be totally rebuilt with justice at the centre.
I was thiniking about that while I was writing the post. It's so ironic that even though our society would never actaully say we think of a person as property, the way courts treat domestic violence has the effect treating the victim like property. I felt like that was a whole other post -- a book! So I left it out. I'm glad you brought the topic up.
This is perhaps one of the best things I have ever been fortunate to come across and read as regards the injustice of trying to get help, etc for domestic abuse. It may also be one of the best things you have ever written. I can only imagine the courage it takes emotionally to write with such honesty. This level of honesty incurs huge vulnerability.
I am sorry that you and so many other women in different social and financial circumstances have had to experience this. Worse, there is no justice and no system to secure it. It is beyond reprehensible that the victims are treated with no regard for what they have gone through, are going through...and no real understanding of the true costs of "standing up" to such abuse.
Long ago, I knew a woman who worked to help abused women and she shared the stories of how so many went back or never left. At the time I didn't understand, but as she explained to me, in similar words to what you wrote but nowhere near as in depth as to the true cost of trying to get what is yours in these situations, it is a far more complex situation that involves many different aspects (lifestyle, finances, physical and mental health, few if any options). It helped me to better grasp the true cost that went far beyond the obvious. And it made me aware of how little support society gives to such women. I remember thinking, and saying, if I were in that situation I'd rather be homeless on the streets. As my friend pointed out, that's easy to say but not easy to do when you have children involved in particular.
We could do all kinds of analysis and judging of others but we are not in another's shoes and we need to give women more support and real options to pursue legal action where necessary. You'd think the number of women murdered (and children, too) by male abusers in this country would have prompted some necessary changes.
Again, thank you for sharing this and I hope many people read it because the likelihood that each of us may have at least one, if not more, women in our circle who are living with abuse and feeling trapped and unsupported. (We would be amazed to find out who those women are as many do a great deal to hide it and many are with very accomplished, successful and seemingly good men who are anything but."
Who knows how many women will read this and recognize themselves and hopefully have a better understanding of what is facing as they make decisions. Honestly, I totally now understand your POV on all of this but still wish there had been some way to seriously screw this bastard who hurt you and your family. Money is not everything, but for horrible abusers, being made to pay is the only way to even get them to hurt a little. (The fact that so many male abusers are never charged let alone convicted of physical abuse, which is something that can be proved unlike emotional abuse and other forms).
Life sucks and this is one major example. But speaking out as you did? This is what is needed to get people to look and learn and say: WTF! THIS IS WRONG. HOW CAN WE CREATE LAWS TO SUPPORT WOMEN?
Thank you.
Sometimes you really touch my soul.
Penny, there is an essential theme that runs through this post. This basic truth is that strength only respects strength, and that weakness is an embarrassing inconvenience to a society where some would have us believe all social problems have been solved. The unspoken truth is if you are unable to fight your own battles you do not deserve good things. Good things being safety, fulfillment and any chance at a relatively happy life. Your only "fault" was in being a vulnerable female with children. You were kind, trusting and sought the best outcome in your situation. In contrast your abuser exercised power and saw nothing wrong with abusing that power. Keep on being you, and use your talent to throw light on Injustice. Much respect to you and your efforts going forward. Remember you have an army of supporters.
I hear you. My respect and honor to you for your scars and wisdom, may they help those few who are able to hear and listen.
My sister fought her abuser to her last breath. And she fought that same system. I know there would be a thousand ❤️s from her to you.
Are Nino and The Farmer the same person or two different men?
Different. Nino is her first husband and father of their children.
Thank you.
Thank you for writing this. I'm currently in the proces of divorce with my abusive ex. He just stopped cooperating in meditation. And I notice it, that i'm an inconvience, someone who even a mediator looks down upon. While she defends his rights, even when he stopped cooperating. It is a staggering observation. Thank you for your analyses, this information helps me to understand my current situation. Take care! Hanne
Perfectly said. If women were doing the abusing (as Hollywood loves to pretend) and men were the victims, the system would be designed so differently. Knee-jerk "safety measures" like restraining orders and shelters not only leave our property and pets vulnerable, but ruin us financially. I've known women who were fired from jobs because their stalker ex kept showing up, or they couldn't come to work because they were in hiding from him. It just doesn't get better.
That's so true. Though I also think that men who are abused don't talk about it. Maybe they are even more living in shadows than women being abused. I hear over and over again about the sense of lost masculinity. Which I'll admit I don't quite understand. Though I think it might be similar to the sense of being a terrible mother from exposing the kids to violence. Not that I'm saying this is right, but there is a sense of permanent loss-- something that can't be recovered.
I'm really glad you are writing regularly again. I'm an OG - back when u blogged about work. I remember your posts about the abuse you endured and I am so sorry. I wish you well - you continue to inspire me.
Thanks, Jill. Also, I learn so much about myself self from comments. Like, I tell myself I'm still writing about work. I guess I'm not. I am not actually sure what I'm writing about. I have enormous gratitude that people still read while I'm figuring it out.